An Initially Terrifying Idea I'll Never Regret
When I first started looking at my relationship with alcohol, I did what most people do and thought I could moderate. I started putting all these rules into my week - you can only drink on the weekends; you must only drink beer then wine, NEVER spirits (because spirits send you loopy); you can drink during the week but ONLY if it's someone's birthday; you have to make sure you drink water in between your drinks and a big pint of it before you go to bed... the list went on and on... Unsurprisingly, I failed at all of these - the weekend suddenly started on a Thursday, sometimes a Wednesday; what happens if it's a mid-week funeral, not a birthday? And what about when it was a long weekend?
The truth is, if we could moderate we would. It just doesn't work for some of us. Those that can moderate don't have a drinking problem.
After a while I came to the realisation that I was an all-or-nothing kinda girl when it came to booze. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I was going to have to get used to the idea that I might have to quit for good. This thought absolutely terrified me! Drinking is what I did, it was part of my identity. As sad as it sounds, it was kind of what I was known for. What would I do instead? My whole world revolved around drinking.
But the alternative was pretty bad - if I went all-in with my drinking, would I drink myself to death? It was definitely a possibility. Once I started drinking, there was no off-switch, I could carry on for hours, days even. Did I really want to be that kind of parent? Did I want my kids to see me die from liver failure or some other completely preventable disease? Absolutely not.
So I changed my focus - instead of reading funny, relatable anecdotes in quit lit*, I started educating myself on the dangers of alcohol. No-one can argue with the cold hard facts that William Porter talks about in Alcohol Explained, or Andrew Huberman discusses on his Huberman Lab podcast. Once you learn these things, you can't unlearn them - some of them are truly terrifying, but all of them make complete sense when you hear them.
*head to the Resources section for a list of great readings
My mindset started changing and I really started to make some progress with my sober count. I would still slip up and go back to drinking but for way shorter stretches than before. Whenever I went back to drinking, I would question myself as to why - usually it was due to FOMO, feeling left out of social events and being ostracised by my drinking buddies.
Eventually, I'd had enough of the constant to-ing and fro-ing. Becoming sober took over my desire to keep getting wasted and I was ready to put the wine bottle down for good. The thought of never ever drinking again was now exciting instead of terrifying. I was sick and tired of living a sub-par existence and started making all of these plans for my future.
Now, 3 years on I couldn't imagine ever drinking again, nor would I want to. My life is a million times better than it was and I am a much better person. I often feel that I could maybe have a drink now and again, but why would I risk it? I've built a life that I love, my kids are so proud of me and I would be stupid to throw all of that away.
