Pinching myself as I hit yet another massive milestone
If you met me 3+ years ago, you wouldn't recognise me at all. Lost and exhausted, overweight and bloated, I was almost defeated. I absolutely hated myself and rarely looked at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed of my parenting, embarrassed by my behaviour and disappointed at how controlled I was by booze. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just quit, why wouldn't it stick? Why did alcohol have such a hold over me?
The truth is I had been using it as a coping mechanism for so long that my brain didn't know how to handle life without it. I used it for good days, bad days, celebrations, commiserations, when I was socialising and when I was lonely or bored. Even though I knew I would probably have to give it up completely at some point, the thought terrified me. My identity and personality were so intertwined with alcohol that I couldn't possibly imagine a life without it.
Eventually I wanted sobriety more than I wanted anything else and I found my patches of sobriety getting longer, and the drunken binges getting further apart. Don't get me wrong, when I was drinking I was still drinking daily, but I started being able to go a good few weeks without it. As exhausting as it was, I trusted that I'd get there at some point and luckily that was enough to make sure I never gave up.
The 5th March 2022 started out like any other hungover day. I dragged myself out of bed, stumbled to the bathroom and forced myself to look in the mirror. What I saw horrified me - bloodshot eyes, messy hair, pale skin, what an absolute disgrace I was. I started to cry and then said out loud "Enough". And honestly, it was like a switch had been flicked. I instantly knew deep down that I meant it this time. I'd said it thousands of times before but for some reason this felt different.
And it was. My days ticked up, 10, 50, 80 and then finally, for the first time ever 100! I kept going - 150, 250, and then 1 year, 500 days, 18 months, 2 years, 1000 days....... in that time I have completely changed the trajectory of my life. I've left an unhappy marriage and gone through an amicable-ish divorce (but with moments where I've been completely blindsided and hurt beyond belief); I've left the town I'd lived in for 16 years and moved to a new city where I knew no-one; I've completely changed careers, studied, navigated being a single mum (luckily the girls are older but it's still hard being the sole decision maker); I've cried harder than I ever have before, belly laughed, had moments of intense loneliness, made the most amazing new friendships, lost a lot of old friendships that no longer serve me and my new life, got fitter than ever.. the list goes on! And all of this without a drop of booze, the stuff I couldn't live without, the stuff that used to solve everything.
I am beyond grateful to myself for the fact that I never gave up trying. The pride on my kids faces is something I will never get tired of seeing. I have become the best possible role model for them and nothing makes me prouder. Yes it's been hard but these days I'm exactly where I dreamed to be 3+ years ago.