How I ended up with a drinking problem
As a young child, I definitely didn't imagine growing up and having a problem with alcohol!
I grew up in the UK as an only child and it is only recently that I have been able to understand why I behaved the way I did as a kid - I wanted to be around people and not be alone. And I just really, REALLY wanted to be liked.
I started drinking at about 14, heading to the local youth club with my mates, asking strangers to nip into the local off-licence to buy us a sneaky bottle of Thunderbirds or White Lightning and then proceeding to get absolutely smashed.
I craved connection and alcohol gave it to me by the two-litre plastic bottle. All of a sudden, boys wanted to hang out with me and my spiral perm (it was the height of fashion in the UK in the '90s, honest!) and I suddenly found the confidence I'd been lacking all those years.
The drinking continued throughout my teens but I added drugs to the mix as well. I started regularly smoking hash and taking acid. Once I got my driving licence at 17, I became the designated drug-driver for raves. Alcohol took a bit of a back seat for a while. But when I found myself in a four-year-long abusive relationship at the age of 17, my old friend alcohol quickly reared his head again. It became my coping mechanism, a means of escape from the absolute terror I faced every day.
After moving to London in my early 20s, and finally escaping my abusive relationship, I was introduced to the “lunchtime and after-work drinks” scene. The company I worked for even put on a social event the day before pay day each month, where we could drink as much piss as we liked (but were still expected to turn up to work on time the next day). That rarely happened and I was soon on the look out for a new job.
I went through the next few years relatively unscathed, drinking and taking drugs “normally” like everyone else for most of my 20s. That's until, at a real low point during an 18-month stint of working in pubs and bars in Brighton, it all caught up with me. I found myself sleeping in a public toilet as I had nowhere else to go. My love of booze and drugs meant I couldn't hold down a job or pay my rent. My dad ended up paying for me to stay in a backpackers' hostel for two months. It was by no means ideal but infinitely preferable to a toilet. The silver lining to this cloud was that this is where I met a kind and funny Kiwi, who would later become my husband (for a while at least!).
I arrived in New Zealand in 2005 and had my first daughter in 2007, quickly followed by a second and then a third. Suddenly, I had three kids under three! My partner and I had just bought a restaurant and life became insanely hectic. Having access to a fully stocked bar and a credit account at the booze shop became a life-saver for me - or so I thought. I rapidly spiralled from “normal” drinker to someone who most definitely drank too much. I drank alone when the kids went to bed because “mummy deserves a reward at the end of the day”. I fully bought into this notion and soon became a daily drinker.
It took me far too long to realise that alcohol was the reason why I was such an impatient, grumpy mum. Although I gave them lots of love and cuddles, I also constantly shouted at them, and it's one of my biggest regrets of their childhoods. Being in the midst of my alcohol problem, it never occurred to me that the reason I had such a short fuse was because I was always hungover and feeling like shit!
Choosing to give up alcohol has enabled me to be fully present for them every single moment of their lives, something that I definitely couldn't say a few years ago. I am angry and sad about how I behaved when they were younger, but I can't go back and change that, so I have spent the last few years making up for it. I now have the most beautiful relationship with all 3 of my girls and it's all by giving up one seemingly small thing.
